


Anything hurts less than the quiet...

by milecgv



Category: Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Confrontations, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Fluff, Heartbreak, Implied Relationships, Kisses, Love Confessions, Mending, Post-Book 1: Lady Midnight, Relationship(s), Spoilers for Book 1: Lady Midnight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-18 10:43:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8159285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milecgv/pseuds/milecgv
Summary: Julian hadn't been in the room since.What was once his sanctuary, the only place he could run away from his responsibilities and let his heart run wild with its desires was now tainted. Every inch of the room was covered in Emma, both metaphorically and physically.He'd tried only once. The night that Emma and Mark had walked hand in hand into the kitchen, giggling and smiling at each other as they stated to the whole family that they were now a 'thing'.It was a miracle Julian hadn't cut his hand, because the knife he'd been using to chop off onions had momentarily slipped his grip and had been a centimeter away from skimming his thumb. Not that he would have minded, because at least he'd have had another source of pain to focus on, one that could have been healed.





	1. Take careful contemplation

Julian hadn't been in the room since.

What was once his sanctuary, the only place he could run away from his responsibilities and let his heart run wild with its desires was now tainted. Every inch of the room was covered in Emma, both metaphorically and physically.

He'd tried only once. The night that Emma and Mark had walked hand in hand into the kitchen, giggling and smiling at each other as they stated to the whole family that they were now a 'thing'.

It was a miracle Julian hadn't cut his hand, because the knife he'd been using to chop off onions had momentarily slipped his grip and had been a centimeter away from skimming his thumb. Not that he would have minded, because at least he'd have had another source of pain to focus on, one that could have been healed. 

Instead, he'd stood still for a moment, letting everyone's reactions wash over him. He'd heard stools being pushed back against the marble floor, feet swiftly walking across the room and fabric against fabric as hugs were being ushered about. The kids were all tripping over each other to congratulate the new "couple" and Julian finally forced back the bile taste at the back of his throat enough to keep a straight face.

After all, he could feel Cristina's gaze on him, from her place next to him. She'd offered to help with dinner, cooking a typical Mexican dish that involved chicken, spices and a ton of onions, on which he'd been working on. Curiously, she also hadn't moved from her place, remaining next to the counter instead of joining the affection fest.

But he didn't want to look at her, afraid she'd have seen through the cracks in his armor, though he knew she would never tell a soul. If there was one good thing everyone in the house had in common, was that secrets were sacred and everyone had them. 

So instead he'd turned around, waiting until the kids had calmed down and then congratulated them. He even joked they could pop open a bottle of Uncle Arthur's prized wines because of the occation, offer he'd had to retract when Kit had put a fist in the air and mumbled a barely audible "yes" in Ty's ear. The parent in him scolded both boys. 

Mark however was beaming, his whole face lighting up and reminding Julian of his faery nature, beauty as if cut from marble. There was something akin of mirth dancing in his two colored eyes as he'd turned to Emma, sliding his arm around her back until his hand reached her waist and perched there, squeezing it. It was as if the scene was being played in slow motion for Julian, and he watched in horror as his brother pulled his parabatai closer to him, letting his lips linger on her cheek as he kissed her face. 

It felt to Julian like what humans called a deja-vu. A weird feeling of having already gone through something, of having felt the same pain before. 

He'd felt just like he had when the arrow had buried itself to his side. The sickening pain of something piercing skin and bones, burning itself inside his flesh and making his vision blur with the intensity of it. The feeling was only made worse as he saw Emma momentarily grimace, hand automatically going to her parabatai rune as if she too could feel Julian's pain. And of course she could, they were bound together and what one felt, the other did too. 

It was almost too much for Julian to handle, who'd quickly looked away and focused on the task at hand; dinner for the kids. Cristina silently went back to work too, only talking to Julian in her calming and deep voice whenever she needed the vegetables he was cutting. It wasn't as if their voices would have made a difference when everyone was asking Mark and Emma questions Julian had no intention of knowing the answers to. 

He'd braved through dinner and putting everyone to bed. Once every kid was in their respective rooms and all the adults had scattered away, he slipped into the east corridor and headed straight for his studio. 

But once he'd opened the red door, he'd broken down. With his heart in his hand and every single picture he'd ever drawn of Emma staring back at him, he'd let the pain out. He was so angry and heartbroken he feared he'd be unable to piece himself back together this time.

There was the difference between the moment he'd been stabbed with the poisonous arrow and the moment he'd seen his brother kissing the girl he had been in love with all his life: that Emma had been there to heal him, and now she was the one hurting him. 

Eventually he'd stopped crying, his breathing had gone back to normal and he'd just felt _tired_. He'd given one last look around, taking in all the different ways he'd portrayed his best friend over the years and made a firm decision.

Getting up and closing the door behind himself, he'd sworn off the place, putting a locking rune on it and doing his best to avoid the studio. He'd only go there when Tavvy got too agitated and needed soothing. The place hurt him but his baby boy being uneasy was much worse. 

That is, until today. He'd been watching a horror movie with Dru, resting against her bedframe and wondering why mundanes had such limited imagination when they had to portray demons. Surely they could come up with something a little bit more... realistic.

He was in the middle of that thought process when Dru spoke up, in her shy timid voice like she wasn't sure she wanted to be heard.

"Do you hate Emma?"

The question threw Julian off and he turned his attention from the screen to her.

"Of course not Dru," He gaped at her, "She's my parabatai remember?"

His youngest sister thought it over for a bit and spoke up again. "You don't act like you used to around her anymore."

He was sure there had to be a mistake. Even though he and Emma were on less than friendly terms, they'd both made a silent vow to always act normal around the kids. They'd already lost one set of parents, they didn't need to lose another.

"What are you talking about Drusilla? We're the same as we've always been."

"Your eyes don't shine anymore." She said, and there was a sadness that tinged her tone and made his heart clench.

He waited for her to go on, not knowing how to reply.

"You think we don't notice but we all do. You don't touch anymore, you aren't in the same room for more than ten minutes and when was the last time you called her _Em_? Is it... Is it because of _Mark_?

She was staring at him intently, concern written all over her beautiful round face and those same green blackthorn eyes that he knew they both shared. He looked at her and he tried to remember his baby sister, only seven years old when he'd taken over after every adult figure had been ripped apart from them. She'd grown into herself and it pained Julian to think of the moment when she'd blossom completly into a young woman. He was honestly thinking maybe he wouldn't be able to take it.

But he'd taken too long to answer, caught up in his own thoughts and Dru looked away sadly, going back to watch her movie and leaving Julian to deal with the aftermath of her words.

After the credits started rolling, Julian had finally found his voice and gotten off the bed, coming to sit beside his sister.

"I don't hate Emma, Dru. Truth is, we've been through a lot lately and none of us have been the same. Malcom he-" Julian paused, swallowing around the lump in his throat as her eyes watered a bit at the mention at their former friend, Malcom. The betrayal was still fresh in their minds. "Malcom hurt us pretty bad and we're all just trying to get back to where we were. So Emma now has Mark, and I have to help Uncle Arthur out a lot more so we have become a little distant. But don't worry,  we'll never stop loving each other."

He smiled at her as her lips curved into a grin at his reassurance. He wished he could protect her from all the lies and horrible things the world would throw at her.

"We're parabatai remember? Not loving Emma would be like not loving myself." 

At his words, Dru threw her arms around his neck, burying her face in his neck and holding him tight. Though she surprised him, he didn't hesitate as his arms came around his sister's back and he held her just as tight. He needed that hug every bit as much as she did.

"Someday, I want to find someone who can love me as much as you and Emma love each other Jules."

He said nothing, only nodded and held her tighter, hoping this hug would be enough to hold the pieces of his heart that were on the line, about to shatter into oblivion.

As the evening carried on, the feeling in his chest kept growing heavier and he was painfully aware of every awkward interaction Emma and him had. With even greater dismay he noticed, the shared glances and raised eyebrows the kids would interchange when they were all in the same room.

They'd been stupid, he realized, thinking no one would notice how once they were each others go to for everything and now they could barely look each other in the eye. 

And that's how he found himself in front of the red door again, breathing hard and feeling his heart like a weight inside his chest.

He told himself that he'd go in there once, breathe her in and make the memories of them wash over him for one last time and then he'd lock it all away, shoving the key somewhere down the rows of secrets and burdens he was destined to carry.

Opening the door, he felt it instantly. The yearning and the aching for everything he'd had for so little and wanted for so long, only to have it ripped apart from him without really knowing why. 

"What happened to us Emma?" He muttered sadly to himself, as his fingers trailed through one of the paintings, one of the _many_ attempts where he'd tried to get the different shades of her hair right after she'd fallen asleep next to him on the beach.

Suddenly he heard a soft intake of breath behind him and he whirled around instantly, cursing himself for having left the door open so carelessly. It's just he'd put all the kids to bed and the only others around had been Mark and Emma who'd said goodnight as soon as dinner had been over.

His heart was racing because he wasn't sure how he was going to explain, to whoever it was, what they had just walked into. But when he turned around his heart stopped and he realized he didn't have to.

Standing by the doorframe, in a soft cotton white nightgown and golden blonde hair cascading around her arms and down to her waist was none other than Emma.

She looked like another painting in the sea of so many other images that attempted to portray her, and he was taken aback, as he always was, by how  _beautiful_ she was.

He was frozen to his place, unable to really process why she was there, ethereal and unreachable, staring back at him in the darkness of the room.

"I-" She finally said but cut herself off, looking just as he felt. Lost.

"Why?" He asked before he could stop himself.

She looked at him sadly before averting her eyes and looking over the room as if she was searching for the answer too.

"That could be the question to a lot of things." She settled on.

"Why are you here _Em_?" 

She winced when he said the nickname, hesitating for a moment before she gave a small step into the room, turning around to close the door behind her and turn the lock.

It was an immediate flashback to the first time he'd brought her here, with her skin raw from the lashes of the fairies and her her eyes wide as they took in everything his art meant.

"I just needed to see it again. Just  _once."_ She finally said, looking somewhere below his neck. "Just for tonight." 


	2. I'd rather be black and blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you guys were so sweet so I finished another chapter. ENJOY!!!

Julian gasped, he couldn't help it. His hand went to the place over his heart where his _parabatai_ rune was thrumming, feeling slightly hotter than the rest of his body.

"You felt it too, didn't you?" She asked him as her eyes followed the movement. Her gaze finally met his and he nodded.

A frown etched onto her face as he did and she cursed to herself. "It isn't working."

"What do you mean?" He asked but she seemed to not have heard him, taking instead to pacing around the room.

"I've tried _everything_. I just don't get it, why hasn't it stopped?" 

"Emma what are you talking about?" He asked again, finally snapping from his shock and taking firm steps towards her. Once he was within arms lengths, he stopped short, standing in front of her and effectively blocking her path from further pacing.

"Julian," She breathed out slowly, as if it was painful rolling off her tongue.

"Emma what aren't you telling me?" He asked her just as softly, afraid of shattering whatever little they had left of their former selves.

"I can't Julian," 

"You can't what Em?" He asked a little more desperately, because there was something bigger than him going on. "What can't you do?"

"Why haven't you stopped Jules?" She countered instead, snapping her eyes up to him with fierceness. When he only blinked she added, "Why haven't you stopped loving me? I've hurt you in every possible way!"

"Because I  _can't_ Emma. I can't stop loving you anymore than I can stop breathing. Why don't you get it? You're the only one there will ever be for me because your mine and I'm yours, and we'll _always_ belong to each other, no matter how much you break my heart!" 

"But we'll die Julian! We'll die this way!" 

They were both breathing hard, panting into the little space that was now shrinking between them, electric and heated with too many conflicting emotions. 

"No we won't Emma! If we are careful the clave would never find out!" He stepped closer to her, the expanse of his chest touching hers now, their breaths intermingling. A shudder went through her body at the sudden contact. 

"It's not the clave that's going to kill us." She replied, her voice small and scared in a way he hadn't heard in a long time. Whatever it was she was hiding, it was much worse than anything he could imagine.

"Talk to me  _Em_ ," He pleaded, deciding on throwing caution out the window and settling his hands around her face. As soon as his palms were placed on her cheeks, she melted into his touch, like she was unable to help it and inside he felt like he was breathing for the first time in months.

"There's a reason _parabatai_ can't fall in love Julian." Her voice broke and she closed her eyes, preventing herself from shedding the tears he knew she was holding back. "They never tell us about it so we have no way of knowing what we're getting into."

"What could be so terrible about falling in love with the one person in the world you're supposed to love forever?" 

"We'll go mad." 

He let out a startled laugh, he couldn't help it. Thats what she was worried about? That they'd go crazy?

"It's not a joke Julian!" She snapped at him, putting some distance between them but not stepping too far away.

"Em, we're already crazy! Our whole lives are nothing but crazy!"

"We'll die Julian! The magic that binds us will keep getting stronger and it'll drive us mad, it'll kill us!"

She stepped back into his space and without hesitation yanked his shirt up, surprising him as she spread her hand over the prominent scar left by the poisonous arrow. But as soon as she did, her eyes softened and he knew she was remembering how terrifying that night had been.

"This wasn't supposed to happen Jules." Her voice had lost all its heat, a mere whisper as her fingers traced the outlines of the marks that were scattered on his side.

Julian's mind was torn between reveling at the tender strokes of the pads of her fingers and the overwhelming urge to kiss her. In the end he did neither. "But you saved my life Ems." 

"And you mine," Her eyes made their way back up his body, taking their time as if she was capturing him frame by frame until she landed on his face. "But it wasn't supposed to happen."

There was so much pain between them that Julian didn't know who's pain he was actually feeling. He had been wrong to think Emma didn't love him, he had been wrong about so many things. As if in sync they encompassed each other, her arms around his neck and his hands splayed on her back, holding on tightly to each other.

"How do we know this is true? How do we know it's not just coincidence?"

He felt her sigh heavily against his neck, tired and sad. Just like he felt.

"Malcom was the first one to mention it. He told me my death would spare you much pain. I didn't- I didn't want to believe him at the time because of everything he'd done. But the words were stuck in my head." 

Her fingers were tangled in his hair, her thumbs playing with the baby hairs on his neck and all he could do was press her closer, hold on tighter, and feel want spreading through his body like a disease.

"Then what?" He prodded her on, after she'd gone silent for a moment too long.

"Then I asked Jem. After we'd brought Kit back to the Institute. And he told me the real story. That parabatai magic is strong, the bond that makes shadowhunters superior in strength. But that, when Eros mixes with Aphilia, our magic gets too powerful, encouraged by our feelings and it becomes like warlock magic. But weren't meant to do magic and that's why, eventually it would drive us mad. Making us destroy everything we love until there's no one and nothing left."

Her voice broke after that and he held her tight as she heaved onto his chest. 

His mind was in overdrive, weighing and counterbalancing out his options, trying to fight a way out of this mess he'd made when he decided to step into that ring of fire. 

"I'm sorry Jules." Her voice was small and wet, and his hand curled around her head, lips landing on her temple. 

"There has to be a way Emma."

He looked down at her to find her eyes closed shut, eyebrows furrowed and face tear stained, but still so  _so_ beautiful. His lips moved on their own accord, kissing her forehead. 

"I can't lose you again Emma." He whispered against her skin. His mouth moved down the bridge of her nose as his hand slid from her hair to her face, thumbs whipping away the tear tracks from her cheeks as they settled there.

"We'll lose the kids Jules." She said in a feeble voice, but he could tell she was less convinced than before.

"Not if we find a way Em." 

She looked up at him at that, a bit crossed eyed because of the lack of space between them, and there was  _hope._ A slight shimmering thread of hope shinning in her golden eyes. 

"We're gonna find a way." He mumbled, lips ghosting against hers, so close and yet so far away.

"I'm scared Julian." 

He rested his forehead on hers, breathing her in and closing his eyes. "I know, I'm scared too. But I can't keep living on without you." 

He didn't know who leaned in first but in an instant their lips finally -  _finally-_ met and Julian's entire body felt alive again. Like a man abandoned on a dessert only to find an oasis when he'd already given up, that was the feeling of Emma's mouth against his own, of her hands burying themselves in his hair, bringing him closer to her until they were pressed against each other like one. 

There was no room for words now, their eyes and bodies doing all the talking and guiding them seamlessly.

He needed more, because every kiss was igniting fire inside his soul and before he realized it he'd picked Emma up, her strong thighs bracketing on his hips as he guided them toward the long wooden table at the center of the room, lips never detaching.

The flashback of the last time they'd been here were crashing into him like waves, the desire and emotion that had built up when he'd finally admitted to Emma just how much he was in love with her, only to be interrupted by his little sister. But no one was going to interrupt them now.

As he laid her on the table, Emma didn't let go, pulling at him instead, until he was laying on top of her, balancing on one hand while the other moved around her torso.

She said his name again, this time with no trace of pain or sadness in her voice, only desire and longing. Just hearing her was making him undone and he was completely helpless against the pull of their desire.

His mouth found its way to her neck, her delicate collarbones prominent under the sun kissed skin, leading the way to her chest. She was panting softly, her own hands tracing his shoulders lovingly, dipping into his shirt and teasing his skin.

He wanted to feel her touch on his skin so he made his way back up, kissing her softly for a moment before pulling back to take off his shirt and discard it some where along the room's floor.

When he turned back she was staring at him, her face rid of its usual hardness and indifference, reflecting back everything he himself felt when he looked at her and it was then and there that he promised himself he'd fix it, he'd find a way to make it work because the way they loved each other was not a way meant to be lived platonically and in pain.

"I love you Julian Blackthorn" She said, breaking through their revered silence. "So much my heart breaks _just_  by looking at you." 

It was the words he'd wanted to hear his entire life, and in the silence and stillness of the room where for years he'd buried his love for her, he could finally hear them out loud and bouncing off the walls just for him.

He was unable to keep the wide smile off his face as he traced her face with his hands and her eyes closed adoringly, reveling in his touch.

"And I love you Emma Carstairs. I've been in love with you my whole life and I'll be in love with you until I die." 

She opened her eyes slowly, like in a trance, all the while a smile, similar to his, spreading through her face. 

"Then prove it. Make love to me tonight." And with that she pulled back slightly, slipping her arms through the straps of her nightgown and pulling it over her auburn hair, tossing the garment over his own discarded shirt. 

Julian had never seen anything more breathtaking in his life and he was quite positive he'd never experience anything like it again.

"You're so  _beautiful._ " He heard himself say and she laughed delightfully with surprise.

"Come over here and kiss me you sap." 

And he didn't need to be told twice because there was nothing in the world he'd rather be doing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIGHT! Thank you for reading until the end, I hope you guys liked it and it'd be awesome if you let me know in the comments what you think or would like to see in the future for this fic. 
> 
> LONG LIVE JEMMA!

**Author's Note:**

> RIGHT! Well, I've been looking so much for Jemma fics and there are so little, I decided to write the jemma I want in the world, so here was the first chapter. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think! Did you like it? Would you read more of it? Do you have any suggestions?
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Ps: Tittles from Quiet by Troye Sivan (you guys should check it out, cause it's sooooo Jemma!)


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